I Was Only Joking: Political Correctness, Feminism, and the Thin Line Between Flirting and Harassment
Introduction
The phrase “I was only joking” is often used as a shield to dismiss uncomfortable behavior, comments, jokes, or gestures that may have crossed a line. But when it comes to sexual harassment, political correctness, and modern feminist discourse, the “joke” defense doesn’t hold up. Humor can be bonding, playful, even flirtatious. Yet, when misplaced, it becomes a tool of exclusion, discomfort, or worse, harm.
Political Correctness vs. Free Expression
Political correctness is frequently framed as censorship. Critics argue that it stifles natural conversation, humor, and even light compliments. But from another perspective, it is less about silencing people and more about ensuring respect in diverse social and workplace environments.
Example: In 2017, Google fired an engineer whose “satirical” internal memo about women in tech went viral. Defenders said he was exercising free expression. Critics argued that humor built on stereotypes reinforced the very biases women in STEM already fight against. This clash showed how what feels like “just words” to one person can feel like an entire culture dismissing another.
Feminism and the Power Dynamics of Humor
Feminism highlights the importance of power in relationships and interactions. A male boss “jokingly” complimenting an employee’s looks does not land the same way as a colleague making a light, friendly remark. The imbalance of authority means the recipient may feel unable to object.
Case Study: During the #MeToo movement, several high-profile executives, including TV host Matt Lauer, initially dismissed their behavior as “misinterpreted jokes” or playful banter. Yet investigations revealed clear patterns of harassment masked as humor. What felt like harmless teasing to them was experienced as pressure and intimidation by employees whose jobs depended on staying silent.
Flirting, Compliments, and Jokes: Where’s the Line?
Mild flirting and compliments can be positive, since humans thrive on connection and affirmation. But the line between charming and problematic lies in consent and context:
- Mutuality: Is the attention wanted and reciprocated?
- Setting: Is this a workplace, a social gathering, or a private interaction?
- Repetition: Is it a one-off comment, or a persistent pattern despite discomfort?
- Content: Is the joke targeting someone’s identity, appearance, or dignity?
Example: In 2015, a scientist at a major conference joked about women being “distracting” in the lab. His offhand remark sparked international outrage and ended with his resignation. The incident showed how a single joke, in a professional context, could undermine women’s credibility and sense of belonging in science.
Why “I Was Only Joking” Isn’t Enough
The phrase attempts to shift responsibility away from the speaker and onto the listener, as if being offended is the real problem. But communication is shared. If someone says they are uncomfortable, the respectful response is not defense, it is reflection.
Example: Many workplace harassment lawsuits feature defendants insisting, “I was only joking.” Courts increasingly reject this defense, recognizing that intention does not erase impact. In fact, the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) specifically notes that “jokes” can create a hostile environment when tied to gender, race, or sexuality.
Conclusion: Towards a Culture of Thoughtful Humor
We do not need to banish humor, compliments, or flirtation from public life. What we do need is awareness. Political correctness and feminist perspectives are not about ruining fun, they are about expanding it and ensuring everyone can participate without discomfort or fear.
Next time someone says, “I was only joking,” maybe the question should be: Was anyone actually laughing?
Take Action with HR Proactive
At HR Proactive, we help organizations create safer, more respectful workplaces by addressing inappropriate behavior and providing training on how to maintain professionalism while fostering a positive culture. Our programs help employees understand the impact of their words and actions, ensuring humor remains inclusive and respectful.
Contact HR Proactive today to learn how we can support your organization with training and policy development.